Etincelle Santé

Relationships, doubt and balance

This morning, a friend told me about the complexities of his current relationship and the questions brought to light by their situation. This discussion reminded me of many others, recent or not, and the set of questions to ask yourself to make sure you’re in a situation that suits you. So I wanted to share the set of questions that a friend and I came up with, which we ask each other regularly and which I also ask my other friends and patients when there’s doubt about the quality of a relationship. These questions are invaluable in helping me to assess whether or not the relationship is really right for both parties, and which areas to explore next in order to help all these beautiful people find the answers within themselves to be happy and in tune with themselves.

It may be pretty basic, but I find that, often, the basic is in fact essential and often forgotten. 🙈

Is this relationship right for me?

 

What exactly do I want?

What do I need?

What am I looking for in a relationship?

What qualities do I like in others? Are they present in my partner?

Is there a need or quality that is vital to me that is not present in this relationship?

Compatibility

Do we share our visions for the future? Do we want this relationship to evolve in the same direction?

What are our common interests?

Where do we fit in?

Love or illusion?

Am I really in love with this person or am I in love with the idea of this person?

Is this person right for me, or am I putting myself aside because I really want to be with someone?

Are we two whole people growing together, or are we trying to fill a void?

Do we pull ourselves up (motivation, encouragement, sharing, joy) or do we pull ourselves down (anxiety, sadness, fears)?

Conflict and communication

What are the sources of tension? Are they internal and personal, or do they manifest other underlying problems in the relationship?

Can we talk about tensions and find strategies to dissolve them?

More generally, is communication good?

Can I express my needs, hear the other person’s needs, and are they mutually respected? (I’m not talking here about fulfilling mutual needs, since some can be met by a partner, while others require strategies outside the relationship).

What is the relationship between positive or pleasant interactions and negative or unpleasant ones? (counting at least 4-5 positive/pleasant interactions for every negative/unpleasant one is not bad)

In the event of a negative or unpleasant interaction, are we able to get to the heart of the problem, talk about it and find a strategy for resolving it?

Do I feel understood? Do I feel safe? (Warning: a negative answer to either or both of these questions is a very strong warning signal!)

 

Other

There are probably other wise questions, friends, blogs, books, etc. that will have other leads that will also be useful to you, bearing in mind that this brief list cannot be exhaustive. 😉

I feel that if the answer to each of these questions is clear, positive and the relational balance is good, the relationship is happy and that both partners have probably succeeded in setting up strategies for qualitative functioning 😊

If the answers aren’t clear, the first thing to do is to realize this and clarify them. You can do it alone, by reflecting on it, by letting meditation provide the answers, by writing, etc., and/or accompanied by friends and/or a competent therapist or healthcare professional.

Finally, if the answers indicate that the relationship is not, or is no longer, suitable, you’ll need to find the tools to change it, or the courage to leave it, so that you can move forward and blossom, in harmony with yourself.

I wish you all lots of love and hope your relationship(s) bring you happiness ❤️